has anyone aside from me noticed that the bathroom has become a
popular background for facebook profile photos?
If Facebook ever gets a dis-like button, some drama is going to go
down..
I'm changing my Facebook name to "no-one" so when i like people's statuses it will say "no-one likes your status"
:)
hates when people use Facebook to scream for attention. LIKE ANYONE CARES how pitiful your life is. It is a social
network. Not your Psychologist.
The first thing we think when someone takes a photo of us..Will it look good on Facebook?
;)
Behind every great status there is ctrl+c and ctrl+v involved
Facebook is the only book that I actually take
the time to read everyday!
thought that if Facebook was a job we would all be rich!
is wondering why logging
onto Facebook has become part of the everyday routine?.... Do I really have nothing better to do!
On Facebook they
have "like" and "poke" buttons y don't they have "hate" "love" "slap" Punch" "Kill" "kick" buttons
admit it, on Facebook,
we're all stalkers
all of our dreams can come true if we learn to log out of Facebook and go to sleep!!
FB lesson
number #1. If you don't want people 2 in your business, stop posting it on your status.
Facebook ~ A Wonderful Waste
of Time :)
If Facebook was school I swear I'd have perfect attendance.
wonders why people can never say it to
your face, but can ALWAYS post it on Facebook!
If steroids are illegal for athletes, shouldn’t photo shop
be illegal for models?
sometimes when I read certain things it's like having my eyes raped by stupidity
if
you think I'm sarcastic now, be glad what I'm thinking doesn't always come out of my mouth!
The difference between
women & men is that men are stupid & women are crazy. And women are crazy because men are stupid...
Remember
that there's always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
Life is all about asses:
We are either kissing them, kicking them, watching them, or being one.
A bird just pooped on my truck.. Every time
it happens from now on I am going to eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of
I
could definitely become a morning person...if it started later in the day.
Keeping me in mind can be dangerous...I
am mind blowing.
" If you hear your past calling, change your phone number."
Expect anything from anyone, the
devil was once an angel.
Funny how you never realize you are a control freak, until things are out of your control
and you freak.
Before asking someone why they hate you, ask yourself why you even really care. :)
You ever get
the feeling that light at the end of the tunnel is just some butt-head with a glow stick who keeps running away?
...remember
when we was YOUNG and couldn't wait to grow up??....WOW, were we stupid or what?
A cop tells you "your eyes look bloodshot
have you been drinking." You shouldn't respond with, "Gee sir, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
if
you tell me everything happens for a reason, don't be surprised when I punch you in the face. it happened for a reason
If
my math teacher told me that one day knowing trajectories would help me win a game called "Angry Birds", I might have paid
more attention
I'm great at remembering names. I just don't remember which one's yours. ?
School Status
Updates
01/16/2012
Crazy Fact... People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two
millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
Life Status Updates
01/16/2012
Nothing changes a Facebook
relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
Facebook Status Updates
01/04/2012
Facebook
needs the following 3 buttons: "Dislike", "Who cares?", "Are you stupid?"
Facebook Status Updates
01/02/2012
Loves
doing the “scroll of shame” the morning after drinking. That`s when I walk through all the stuff I shouldn't have
done on Facebook the night before.
Facebook Status Updates
12/28/2011
Facebook needs an "Ignore all baby
and wedding related posts" button.
?
Facebook Status Updates
12/28/2011
If you want to cry use
a tissue; not your Facebook status.
Facebook Status Updates
12/07/2011
I watch pom. You probably misread
that, LIKE if you did ;)
Silly Status Updates
12/06/2011
The "ppl you may know" feature on FB should
be renamed to "ppl that you know, but deliberately choose not to be friends with."
Facebook Status Updates
11/08/2011
Welcome
to Facebook, the place where relationships are perfect, liars believe their own bullshit & the world shows off they are
living a great life. Where your enemies are the ones that visit your profile most. Your friends & family black you, and
even though you write what you are really thinking, there is always someone that takes it the wrong way.
Viral Status
Updates
10/15/2011
I'm actually not funny. I'm just really mean & people think I'm joking.
Cute Status
Updates
10/13/2011
No comments or LIKEs after 5 minutes... Delete post, hope no one saw or cals you out.
?
Facebook
Status Updates
10/12/2011
(?.?) -PEEK-A-BOO- ?( ° . ° )?
Symbol Status Updates
10/11/2011
Some
people really need to understand that FACEBOOK IS NOT THEIR DIARY!
Facebook Status Updates
09/19/2011
Reading
someone's status and thinking 'OH CRY ME A RIVER'
Facebook Status Updates
09/19/2011
Alright, I'll accept
your friend request. But, one stupid status and you're UNFRIENDED!
Facebook Status Updates
09/11/2011
I
don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Silly Status Updates
09/04/2011
My
greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update as the search bar.
Facebook Status Updates
09/01/2011
[
] single [ ] taken [?] climbin' in your window snatchin' your people up.
Relationship Status Updates
08/31/2011
Paperclip:
the staple for people with commitment issues
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying "I do." They say "I accept the
terms & conditions."
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan!
The
divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it dumps on
your head.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday
FridaySaturdaySunday.
?
I'm not lazy...I'm just highly motivated to do absolutely nothing today.
Remember,
irresponsibility always leads to better stories.
Promises are a bit like babies... Fun to make but hard to deliver.
Let
your past make you better not bitter.
Greatest fear in life.... Someone will find a way to retrieve everything
I've ever googled.
?
It is incredible how much effort I put into my laziness.
LIFE WOULD BE BETTER
IF some girls had mute buttons,guys had edit buttons,bad times had fast forward buttons,& good times had pause buttons.
When
I was born, I was so surprised, that's why I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Age is something that doesn’t
matter, unless you are a cheese.
1
I was going to do something, but I got distracted for 5 seconds and now I forgot
what I was doing.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
1
Remember when phones were stupid
and people were smart? Ahh Good times.
1
The nail that sticks out gets hammered down.
Hold a grudge is
letting someone live rent-free in your head.
I'm Not Arguing. I'm Simply Explaining Why I'm Right.
Life
is full of lessons that were taught on the day that I missed class.
1
My daily needs: Food-5% Water-1% Sleep-4%
Internet-90%
Before you talk, listen. Before you react, think. Before you criticize, wait. Before you pray, forgive.
Before you quit, try.
My life. My choices. My mistakes. My lessons. Not your business.
?
I'm so tired
of people needing a reason for doing everything. Do it because you want to. Because it's fun. Because it makes you happy.
Even
at your best some people won't appreciate you! But that's their problem not yours!
Don't make decisions when you're
angry. Don't make promises when you're happy.
Deaf to bullshit, blind to fake shit. Stop wasting your time
on people who don't deserve to be an issue in your life.
People get too caught up in what others think.. Just have
fun with life and do what makes u happy.
Normal is just a setting on your dryer.
?
It isn’t
that I’m not a people person. It’s just that I’m not a stupid people person.
Never be afraid
to take a chance. You're going to die, might as well be while doing something interesting.
Throughout life: I've
loved, I've lied, I've hurt, I've lost, I've missed, I've trusted, I've made mistakes. But most of all, I've learned.
Life
is like riding a bicycle, to keep yourself balance you have to keep moving.
Be yourself; everyone else is already
taken.
Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist
invented the parachute.
Everyone in life is gonna hurt you, you just have to figure out which people are worth
the pain!
The world is round, so it has no point.
If it weren't for law enforcement and physics, I'd
be unstoppable!
Sometimes the world is like the Maury Povich show, you never know what the eff is going to happen.
has
learned that you can't please everyone... but you can piss them all off at the same time!
Life is not fair,
but life is not fair for everyone... which actually makes it fair
I wish I could autocorrect my life.
In
life, you have two choices: get over it or die with it on your mind.
?
Don't hang around people who have have
given up on their dreams because they are coming after yours next.
Love, compassion and concern for others
are real sources of happiness.
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay home.
It's
been a lifetime struggle for me to stop spending my lifetime struggling.
Funny how when you're not looking sometimes
life can show you a better view.
People think I'm in a bad mood just because I'm being quiet.
?
Most
of the time when people judge you, they have more problems than you do themselves....
The past is history, the
future is a mystery, today is a gift...thats why they call it the "present"!
I could do great things if I weren't
so busy doing little things.
Your life is a book; don’t jump to the end to see if it’s worth it. Just
enjoy life and fill those pages with beautiful memories.
People think I'm in a bad mood just because I'm being
quiet.
My alarm clock is jealous of the relationship I have with my bed. It always try to wake me up!
It
doesn't matter what other people think about you. The only thing that matters is that you are happy with who you are.
We
spent our whole youth to obtain wealth and our whole wealth to obtain youth.
I like talking to myself, answering
myself, and laughing at my own jokes.
Memories make us who we are. Dreams make us who we will become.
People
who gossip with you, most likely gossip about you.
I fall, I rise, I make mistakes, I live, I learn, I've been
hurt but I'm alive. I'm human, I'm not perfect but I'm thankful.
I ignore texts. I let the phone ring. It's nothing
personal, but some people need to realize that sometimes I don't feel like talking.
?
The road to success
is always under construction.
You have one advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.
I'm drunk...I'm
armed...I'm off my meds. You had better make your message really, really sweet.
The glass is neither half empty nor
half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Mind like a steel
trap - Rusty and Illegal in 37 states.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Hello, you have reached
my automated answering service, your call will be answered in the order in which it was recieved, your call is number 5,293,
please hold, your call is important to us
Hi, I'm probably here, I'm just avoiding someone I don't want to talk to.
Leave a message and if I don't IM you back, well, what can I say?
"God is as real as I am." he assured me, and my faith
was restored, for I knew Santa would never lie.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get
up.
Not many people know this, but last summer I worked as a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
Evolution --
life's a niche, and then you die
This is an alien being from Alpha Cenatrei. I have been sent to earth in the form
of an away message so that I might mate with your computers. You may not know it but as you read this, I am having sex with
your computer. Leave a message, but please IM me again later because I am VERY VERY HORNY.
The election season is officially
underway, along with the traditional political food chain of information. The candidates say something, their staff explains
what they meant, media pundits explain what they really meant, and the public bases its decision on the ensuing late-night
talk show opening monologues.
"The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually,
because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper."
I ran out of gas. I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough
money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car.
There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! It wasn't my fault, I swear to god!
Firefighter: At one point we
decided to fight fire with fire... Well ...basically... your house burned even faster.
People are more violently opposed
to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
If you can keep your head while
those about you are losing theirs, have you considered becoming a guillotine operator?"
01001001 01100001 01101101
01101110 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 (this is binary code for the ASCII encoding "I am not here")
I
find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.
The
best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
Never judge a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes, 'cuz by
then, he's a mile away, you've got his shoes, and you can say whatever the hell you want to.
The rain, it raineth on
the Just and the Unjust fella. But chiefly on the Just because the Unjust steals the Just's umbrella.
That which does
not kill me had better run pretty damn fast.
When life gives you a lemon, say 'Lemons? I like lemons. What else have
you got?'
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the fuck did the
ceiling go?!"
Money can't buy happiness, but poverty can't buy ANYTHING.
There are plenty more fish in the sea,
but who wants to go out with a fish?
If you are the credit card company, I already sent the money. If you are one of
my friends, you owe me money. If you are female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Tonight's weather, dark, continuing
mostly dark tonight, leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once,
never opened, small stain.
Ignorance killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE
you burn.
Tech Support: "I need you to boot the computer."
Customer: (THUMP! Pause.) "No, that didn't help."
You
have reached the reverend my confession hotline. Please leave your sin, and I'll get back to you with a penance. Remember
that a confession doesn't count unless it's a vivid, detailed, blow-by-blow description of the sin. Thank you.
Some
people live life in the fast lane - I live in oncoming traffic.
My philosophy is a mixture of the three famous schools
-- the Cynics, the Stoics and the Epicureans - and all three can be summed up in my famous phrase, "You can't trust any bugger
further than you can throw him, and there's nothing you can do about it, so let's have a drink."
It's is not, it isn't
ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's
either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
I'm not here, I've gone out to look for myself. If I come back before
I return, please tell me to wait.
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