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You put sugar on your frosted flakes.
Your kids were
in your wedding.
You call your mama by her first name.
You iron dirty clothes.
You wear house shoes to
the grocery store.
You're nineteen and you just met your father.
Your mom does your hair in the kitchen.
You
put on panty-hose instead of shaving your legs.
You buy clothes for a party and return them to the store the next day.
Your
first name begins with Ta', La', or Sha' and your brother's name begins with De' or Le
You think putting batteries
in the refrigerator recharges them.
You yell "Pookie or Poochie" in your house and five people turn around.
If
you say AXE instead of ASK
Your kids are older than your girlfriend
Your shoes cost more than your car
Your
uncle sleeps in the Kitchen.
You bring the shopping cart from the super market home full of groceries.
Listen
to Boom box on the porch (Stoop) and watch people walk by.
If your child's birthday party includes a barbeque, a game
of dominoes, and a Spades Tournament.
Your screen door doesn't have a screen
You wear work clothes because you
think they are fashionable. (Leave the Dickies Alone!!!)
Turning up the heat means turning on another burner on the
stove.
All of your drinking glasses used to be jelly jars.
Your furniture is covered in plastic.
You
refer to the refrigerator as the icebox.
The back of your toilet is always off and you have to manually flush it.
You
have more than ten uses for Vaseline and one of them is shoe polish.
You don't think of yourself as clean unless you
have a splash of baby powder all over your chest, back and neck (ladies you know where you put the powder…)
The
heels of your feet look like you've been kickin' flour. (lightly battered or a gymnast chalked up)
You use black eyeliner
for your lips.
Your lipstick matches your clothes.
Your boy wears white socks with sandals or house slippers
outside.
Your car cost more than your house but you don't have any Auto Insurance
You live in you momma's basement
and you're 42 years old…and you still get women to come to yo momma's house for the nasty…..Ladies what's up with
that?
Nobody has known your real name for 20 years including your cousins, neighbors, and boss cause everybody has
been calling you Peaches since 3rd grade.
If "mybabyfavah" or "mybabymovah" is the name of your significant other…you
might be ghetto.
If you own more than one pair of gold shoes…you might be ghetto.
If you have the gold
lipstick to go with those gold shoes…you might be ghetto.
If your grandmother is under 40 years old…you
might be ghetto.
If you have a brother or cousin named "stink", "man" or "boo"…you might be ghetto.
If
you find yourself in a physical confrontation because someone stepped on your sneakers…you might be ghetto.
If
your 4 yeard old can't talk, but can do the "tootsie roll"…you might be ghetto.
If you constantly use *69 on
your telephone and you say, "Did you just call here?"…you might be ghetto.
If you name your child after a character
on the Young and the Restless…you might be ghetto.
If you do not have a job, but your hair and nails are done
on a weekly basis…you might be ghetto.
If you believe that the words mother and father have the letter "v" in
their spelling…you might be ghetto.
If "arts and crafts aids" (such as spray paint, glue, and glitter) are hair
products to you…you might be ghetto.
Your grandma has gray Shirley Temple curls.
You buy kids' social security
numbers to get a larger income tax return check.
You're a dark-skinned woman, but you dye your hair blond because you think
it makes you look lighter.
You are at the Maxwell concert, but your lights are turned off.
You can't answer a question
without phrases from a rap song. (ex: "Mr. Johnson, are you ready for your interview?" answer "I love it when you call me
Mr. John-son, throw your hands in the air…"
You still don't know what Y2K stands for, but you bought a bunch of water
and batteries.
When you are at the bus stop and hear loud music, you start jammin'.
You don't have a job because you
are "in the studio."
You and your friends say "AAAAAAAAA!" when you hear a song that you like.
You are scared to use
the phone during a storm, because you think that electricity is going to come through the line.
You are doing the butterfly
and your 2 year old child is raising the roof saying, "Go Angie, get busy!"
You shake sunflower seeds in your fist.
You
think you're intelligent by mentioning your "comprutah" skills
You still grease your scalp with Vaseline.
You refer
to the Wayans Brothers as the Way-Nans.
Your grandma told you that you were related to the ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns
= "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Jackson family or Thomas Jefferson.
You don't come to work on your
birthday.
You have the bootleg cable man's number in your wallet.
You dig in your ears with bobby pins.
You have
to wait on your settlement to make a purchase.
You make that irritating scratching-the-inside-of-your-throat noise.
You
thought "Belly" was great Black Cinema.
You buy jewelry at the train station.
You still wear pom-pom footies.
You
don't know whether you have a checking or savings account, because you refer to it as a "bankin' account."
You live in
the projects but you only wear Versace.
You coordinate the color of your clothes down to the underwear and tennis shoes.
You
don't eat pork, but you drink forties and smoke cigarettes.
You keep used grease in a can on the stove.
You say, "lightskin-ded,
skreet, vomick, frew, baffroom, ambalams, and rockweiler."
Every time you hear a song, you do the routine from the video.
You
wash plasticware.
You always use the suffix "nem" when talking about your mama.
You say "finna" and "cain't".
You
don't wash your hair because you think dirty hair grows faster.
You have a technique to starting up your car.
You can't
eat anything without sauce. (honey mustard, hotsauce, ketchup…)
You say your grandma is Indian even though her name
is Jessie Mae Jackson.
You refer to diabetes as 'SUGAR'
You consider 'clubbing' as a monthly expense
You have at
least 1 relative who will always have a jheri curl
You have mothers who can use curse words and religion ALL IN ONE SENTENCE.
i.e. Lord, give me strength because I'm bout to knock the sh– out of this child!
You remember historical moments
by R&B hit singles such as COMPUTER LOVE, KEITH SWEAT'S MAKE IT LAST FOREVER, ETC
You swear that the Korean lady at
the flea market gives them the best deals!
You have at least 1 uncle that "almost went pro" playing basketball
You spend
the insurance money on everything EXCEPT getting the dent fixed.
You refer to your dresser as "the bureau"
You wear
any of the following: Brute, Hai Karate, Jean Nate, Old Spice, Chloe, English Leather, Charlie, Faberge'
You use Tussy
deodorant
You dry-clean your washable clothing (e.g. Jeans, t-shirts, baseball jersey, etc.) but you still take 10 garbage
bags full of clothes to the Laundromat.
You refer to the Laundromat as the "wash house"
You go to the beauty shop for
a press and curl (men & women)
You've ever waited several hours in a salon to get your hair done and you had an appointment
Your
daughter is under sixteen and has extensions
You perm your five-year-old's hair
You have to put a towel on your furniture
so that your curl activator won't stain it
You refer to the hair at the nape of your neck as your "kitchen"
You still
think there's such a thing as "good" and "bad" hair
you use but mispronounce these words:
skrimps or strimps - shrimp
(note: there is no "s" on the end)
pacific vs. specific (note: these are not interchangeable. In order to determine which
is appropriate, listen to clues to such references to large bodies of water, as opposed to body of water)
skreet –
street
look dead - looked
member - of or pertaining to a recollection (e.g. ya'll member the time…?)
spisketti
- spaghetti
zinc - sink
alblums - what we used before CD's
showliz - that sure is
wayment - wait a minute
You
Know You're A Ghetto Christian If . . .
You lie on an application to get a job and then get up and testify that "God
made
a way out of no way!"
You get mad at a visitor and call them out for sitting in YOUR seat.
You tell the preacher
to baptize you from the neck down because you just got your hair done!
You take 2 hours to get ready for church, get
there late, and leave early!
You open your Bible and you cough from the dust that flies out.
Your wedding song
is 'Secret Lovers'.
You say aliens abducted you, but the Lord set you free.
You do not lift your hand during
worship because your acrylic nail is broken.
The only time you like to sing in the choir is when they let you sing
"your" song.
You do not tithe because you say, "the preacher might be crooked and stealing the Lord's money, so I don't
want to give it to him"
After you've done wrong and someone has rebuked you, you don't repent but say, "Well the Lord
knows my heart."
You have ever said, "show me in the Bible where it says, thou shall not smoke".
Your favorite
part of the service is the benediction.
Your pickup line to all the single women in church is "the Bible says, greet
one another with a holy kiss".
You thought "the Gospel" was a concert.
You overheard someone say, "We got fed
today at service" and you asked if they served chicken.
You think "The Trinity" is a new female gospel group.
You
just got finished smoking on the outside of the church and then try to lead a song, get choked up, holding your throat and
say to the congregation, "The devil don't want me to sing this song."
The only scripture you know is, "Jesus wept."
Every
church auxiliary has fried chicken dinners for sale as a fund raiser.
You know you attend a ghetto church when they
stop worship to announce someone parked in the pastor's spot and they are currently being towed
You can learn the latest
dances from your church choir
The offering plate at your church goes around five times
The person doing the opening
prayer lists all the Greek and Hebrew names for God.
Either the bride or groom sings a solo to each other, or both
Nobody
in the wedding can really fit in their dresses, including the bride
The reception meal was cooked by the bride's mother.
There
are more people in the wedding than there are in the audience
Everybody's exes were invited because they're all remarried
to somebody else in the family
Your wedding dress is also a maternity dress
Your wedding march is actually a march
You
sing ghetto wedding songs: "Always & forever" "I'll always love you" "You and I" "wind beneath my wings" "Here and now"
"Ribbon in the sky" "always"
The deceased and his widow are wearing matching outfits
Someone tries to climb inside the
coffin
More than one person thinks that she is the current spouse of the deceased
The majority of the flowers at the
burial site are plastic and are taken back the following day
The service lasts for half a day
Polaroid shots are being
taken of the deceased
No one knew the deceased by his real name ("who's Ravon Williams, III? I thought his name was Bookie")
Most
of the mourners comment that the deceased didn't look that good when he was alive
You just get out of church praising the
Lord and get into a fist fight in the parking lot.
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